Are you proud of me? This is the third day in a row that I have posted! For a slacker blogger like me that is really, really good. Yes, I do want a cookie...What kind do you have?
You know what I find frustrating....is that little voice in the back of ones head who I affectionately named Egor. You see, Egor is responsible for what comes in and what comes out of the noggin. You might now him by his terrible work ethic of giving our guest Hope (who comes to stay at my bed and breakfast once a month) a key to come and go as she pleases without paying, the one who allows those crappy thoughts to take up permanent residency, and he is also responsible for that what-if disease.
Now I do not mean to pick on that little old fella but he is just so stuck in his ways. He is an older gentleman who came from a different era. He does do some good things like making one think very carefully about big descions and he occasionally he has some timeless wisdom. But dammit, right now I am irratated.
We were hanging out talking and I told him about my enthused thoughts of adopting internationally. He had the nerve to remind me that if I do international adoption that I will not have a newborn. I said so what. But then I got to thinking about it. Damn him. What if I never get to hold a new (and I mean new...like with the tags still on it) baby. I do not mean just hold anyone's baby but my own baby. The doubts after all the excitement here lately is now having the every action has an opposite reaction or whatever that phrase is.
Then Egor said that I am going to have to do a home study. I replied Duh! Well actually I said yes that is true but in my hidden part of my brain I was sassing him. He said that if it were him he would not want people traipsing in his house and personal life. I said Yes, I understand but it is necesary in order to make sure our home and lives are safe for a child. He said that he did not need some person telling him his house stank. My thought was that it does stink of moth balls and fifty year old furniture but I knew what he meant. Because again secretly I was thinking that my ego is annoyed that someone gets to come into my life and say I am worthy or not. If my eggs worked no one would be able to question whether I was worthy. Now, I know that the home study will go fine but it is just the intrusion of it all.
Egor then proceeded to remind me of things that I had already thought about. I listened quietly annoyed because I knew that these issues were out of my control.....out of my control....out of my control....This just sucks. My kids will already be vaccinated without me choosing which ones or none at all, they will not be able to be breast fed, and someone else will have made descions for my child that I had no part in. This is really frustrating for my inner control freak. My inner (and sometimes she is outer) control freak really is not pleased with having to contend with other's ability to question how medically, socially, religously, and nutritionally I am taking care of my children.
Thoughts of course popped up after I contemplated the whole control freak issue..what if I have created my infertility by demanding my body to work when and how I say.
All negative thoughts aside I am excited and will go on. The Egor's in my B and B and others will not get in my way of what I want...I am too much of a control freak and prove you wrong kind of gal. But again...dammit Egor....just shutup already.