We interupt this colonically scheduled program to bring you a featured broadcast of the bridesman. So many odd characters parade around in my life and in my past.
Duane. Where do I start?
Thousands of stories could be told but which one do I pick?
How many people have a bridesman in their wedding? I had one. No, he is definetly not gay nor did he where a pink dress that I threatened to make him sache down my aisle. I probably would have but the object of the day was attention on ME...folks....all about ME..the princess of the day. No, I did not turn into Bridezilla but I did take my gracious place as the photo Nazi Bride that herded a wedding party of twenty-something around the city for poses. Smile-yell-herd-smile-repeat. Actually, he was quite dashing in his suit.
Duane came to me as a client years ago when I had my massage business. The massage was spent laughing, chatting about the latest wine, good music, and Seinfeld.
Over the years our friendship grew and he has become a resident fixture in the cast of the Gourmet.
Out of many stories I can tell you their is one that presently sticks out pertaining to his comment he left on the colonic post. Consider this a segue into my next post of "How To Get A Colonic And Why" with pictures that I promised several of you lurking colon adventurists.
Duane and I have a friend in common. Mykala. She is ...oh where the hell do I begin? She is a beautiful, sexy, silly, oddball of a human being if I have ever met one. She tends to have no shame. None. She will meet you the first time and pass gas as if you shared the trenches in WWII despite the fact that you have just met her. The annoying thing is she is almost...I repeat almost...cute doing it. Not many people can get away with what this girl gets away with.
Duane has stories on Mykala and I. Stories that I fear he tells. He has a blog which quite frankly scares the hell out of me. Now that I have linked him in pure Duane fashion he will retaliate by posting some lovely story on my grace, wisdom, and beauty. Ok I am lying it will be some embarrasing story that I would prefer the cobwebs keep company.
So here is one of those stories he loves to tell about the Bone Monkey-Mykala...
One lovely evening Mykala and I were visiting my new boyfriend David. His pal Nadeem was over geeking it out in the computer room. Mykala with her long skirt and obvious no underwear requests coyly to David if she could use his bathroom. He obliges like the true gentlman he is.
About fifteen minutes later we hear a door crack open followed by the stench of death which hastily beat her to the room. She entered on the tails of the funk looking scared. Now let me give one more background detail here. Mykala not having a bedet found the usage of baby wipes quite lovely indeed. She could rave about the different brands, textures, and quality better than a mother with quintuplets.
"Ummm uuhhhhhh well well uhhhhh David I used your wipes and my ass is burning!!!! (Pausing very shortly here to say) I am so impressed you too use wipes".
David and I roared with laughter. That dumbass had used clorox wipes. Not baby wipes. Wipes with bleach which was by now burning through her fine bum hair. We broke the news through snorting and crying laughter. She then asked to take a shower. Off Mykala goes to rinse the homemade buttnair. As we settled ourselves down she reappeared in the doorway. Wet. The idiot had not taken off her clothes. She had tried rinsing from the side of the tub in a bird bath manner and fell in.
I swear that clorox haunted her like an old memory for the rest of the day.
Now maybe you say this is not funny...maybe not. But if you knew about her consistent antics you would be shocked. Anyhoo. More of her another day.
You know those few people in life who seem to have the same humour as yourself? Duane and Mykala are my humour soulmates. Never in my life do I laugh as much as I do when I am with these two. Except for the incontinence problem I seem to develop when there words are in my ear I have to say I always look so forward to time spent with each.
Colonic instructions tomorrow. Do not be late!