I miss you... The hotel I'm staying in is very old (70's) but it's on the beach. The technology is old for I'm using internet from the manager's office: windows 98 with dialup. They were very nice to let me use it. So, unfortunately no skype calls from my room :( But, I'll try to call you from Liron's later or an internet cafe or a place with free wifi if I can find such a place.
Otherwise, I drove to Jerusalem today and found my way to Kryon. It was wonderful! Great energy. I made a new friend (of course!) And I came back to liron's and then to the hotel. I will update my blog offline and hopefully get internet tomorrow somewhere and update everything.
I miss you, the girls, and the kitties. Please send kisses to all of them and I will be thinking of you as I sleep tonight. I miss you!
David left Thursday for Israel. He is traveling for business but because of the holidays and Shabbat he has quite a few days to visit friends and attend his hippy dippy channeler Kryon.
The letter above is what I found in my inbox last night when I did not hear from him. Usually when he is out of town or at the neighbor's next door he checks in on me constantly because we are surgically attached at our married hips which for the most part is just the way we like it. He really is a doll most of the time.
Lately, though, we have been arguing. Many times it is nothing but my prickly depression releasing its venom on a dear and innocent victim. However, we have not been grieving and carrying on the same way.
We discussed right after the IVF failure, due to my persistence, what our protocol for more treatment would be. It was decided that we would wait until our rental property was sold, our own home was sold, and a new house bought. However our house is not on the market, the rental property contract fell through four days before closing, and we have not found a new home yet. So Limbo, my old friend, here we are as again.
We did not re-evaluate after the rental property fell through and I finally got pissy about that a week ago. The usual was heard that he is not ready and still hopes that it will happen naturally (LOL...please all take a moment to laugh....are you done? No? Ok I will give you a few more seconds....done now?) Dream on Buster Brown.
My husband is a cancer. They are constantly flowing into new realms of thinking and being so it is not far fetched to see my husband agree to one thing and then a week later change his mind with new info. His mother always said that he was like the wind. She was close but cancer is a water sign.
I, on the other hand, am an Aries. We make a decision and we will plow over an old lady in a car to complete our mission!!! Do not step in the path of an oncoming Aries as you will be gored by our ram horns. As you lay in your battered bloody state you will question what the hell hit you and you will hope death comes fast. Which is probably how my sweet cancer feels in the path of an infertile ram. Somehow his exoskeleton from being a cancerian crab comes in handy for ram horns because he takes a beating.
I have run men off before because I am tough and hard to persuade. One boyfriend who was not destined to be mine finally admitted the reason why in his mind we did not work out...I intimidated him. He said that it was hard to be with someone who goes after something and always gets it. David, my crab, loves that about me. I love him that he is strong enough to stand beside me and soft enough to love the sensitive me. Because I may be the ram on the outside but on the inside I am a softy.
Infertility has not taken kindly to my battering horns. I have pushed, rocked, and tried going through its tough body but alas even my raminess has not persuaded it to let me pass. It is fighting back. Like some Greek epic with the God's in the sky and a mythical animal duking it out over a conceived notion of the future. How long was The Odyssey again? And how to I get to Ithaca because damn people I need a map and I do not want to take the two decades it took the pimpin but slow Oddysseus?
Like Oddysseus meeting many obstacles on the way, I too am running into many. God damn speed bumps. Sadly, one of those speedbumps is my slow poke of a husband. He is where I was three years ago. Read this which was written by my husband. Um hello I do not ovulate and waiting is probably not going to get us anywhere except but an even more pissed off ram. And again hello do you like want to see me more crazy than I already am? I mean come on that would be like a super ram on crack partying with the Devil. I bet the devil makes great drinks though and surely his pad is decked out and he puts together a fab spread of food for his sinning guests. Oh how this ram would drink and eat to it's heart content and then most likely I would get a massage. Anyhoo....
So the ram and the crab were claw pinching and horn ramming on Tuesday night about what to do now. When the ram has nothing to charge at she becomes quite agitated and stir crazy and we did not have an definitive plans. Sure we had tossed a few ideas around like a casual weekday salad but no creations of gastronomic feats. I need a good fucking salad people. I want to know how many needles will be in that salad, when that salad is going to be made, how long my body should marinate in hormones, and where this salad will be made. I have thrown around a few ideas like India, his friends have passed a name of a doctor to us in Israel, and I have researched about going to South Africa.
During the argument I got the little crab avoidance dance. A few steps sideways and a few steps forward and dash back in his little crab hole. Run you little scared crab back into the IVF avoidance hole. What are you afraid I will throw you in my salad? Hmmmm I love crab. Instead of letting my crab run and hide I usually chase him down and break the rock that he is hiding under thus making him face the big open sea ruled by Poseidon. But damn I am tired of breaking his rocks and making him face his fears. I am mad at him that he will not willing come out from under the rock himself.
Ramming his shelter has been the way that we have always been about most everything..investments, buying buildings, getting married, and children. He wants all these things he just has to do the crab dance first and take his sweet old time. Me, I want everything yesterday. Always he has been so happy when I have forced him to face his fears. Each and every time he says to me "I am so glad you made me do this...it is great". For once I wish he would just move fast. As fast as his ram does.
Visiting his friends in Israel might have been good for him. You see, they have a six month old. David has not been around any babies ever so he just does not know the joys they can be (and ladies ixnay on the iapersda and the no eepslay). When he held their baby he had to give the baby back because it made him cry. YES!!! Score! Points for the ram! Maybe this will light a fire under his crab pot. Get a nice good boil going and I can book my flights to IVF and avoid the song of the sirens of forever baby free. Bitches.
The fight ended up with him thinking about his motives and what he wants out of life...contemplating is always a good ways to end a fight. He said that however I want to steer the ship he is willing.
I started this post with a sweet letter from him because I do not want to do more complaining about my crab than I do talk him up because he puts up with my ramy ass. All around we are great but I would be lying if I said the infertility sirens were not trying to suck us into their whirlpool. Bitches.
So my last post told you about the cherry of my week...well this was the icing from my week and tune in when I tell you about the cake part of my annoying week.
This is a tough journey and I am sure the ram and the crab will figure it out. Our difficulty is trying to learn how to hold hands...afterall I have hooves and he has that damn pincher claw.