Powerwashers are the coolest thing. I like them even better than the nifty gonal -f pen. My marble stairs are now sparkling and white...sparkling! The concrete looks like it had a facelift. I think that I do not want kids anymore...the powerwasher and I are planning a life together. I want the best for my little powerwasher which means the best schools, the best spot in the garage, and all the tiny attachments that it could have. I, do hope, that when it grows up it can have its own powerwashers and not go throught the pain that I have. Powerwasher grandchildren!
I promise I am not in need of the nuthouse...just trying to warm my funnybone back up but since it is frozen it will not thaw.
David and I worked in the yard together and we were kept company by the kitties playing around us, the dogs watching from the balcony, and the occasional neighbor stopping by. It could not have been a more perfect day with the warm sun and cool air for planting flowers and mending our hearts.
I am about a week from being able to list my house and sell it! Oh I want to get out of here so very much because there has been so much pain in this house. Ready to move on.
I think what we are going to do instead of treatment is just buy a ridiculously huge victorian home and nest for awhile. I need to lick these wounds. I wonder if powerwashers are good for cleaning wounds? I have started looking for a house but cannot seem to find one yet. What I am looking for is challenging. Four bedrooms minimum, gigantic yard, original bathrooms and features, carriage house (my powerwasher deserves the best rather than an old garage), hardwood floors, high ceilings, and that certain feeling that would qualify the house as Alex space. I am tire of dumping money into my uterus and it is time to do something for me. House poor here I come!
Emotionally...hmmmmm. This is tough. I feel hopeful. I am not sure what I mean by that. But somewhere lurking is that girl called Hope. Hope is here for my future but I am not sure what that means. I toy with the idea of going child-free in my life. It no longer has the complete sadness attached to it that it once did. I am tired of working towards children. I think I just need a break. On the other hand of course I still think those souls are out there planning on coming to me. Then again I feel like so much time, five years, has passed and they have probably moved onto someone who could physically bring them into the world. Because as we all know my uterus is not handling the job. Nor are my ovaries, Paris and Nicole, who checked into rehab after spending three weeks on IVF stims drugged out.
I think life has brought me to the point where I have to consider that maybe the children thing is not going to happen. Of course, I do not know this for sure. But one has to consider this after five years of infertility..surely you understand this point? My heart is tired. My ovaries could not produce enough eggs to have any to freeze. I am failing at something. This is hard for me and my over-achieving ways. My pride hates the failure but my heart tries to learn from struggle.
For most of my life I thought there was a point to everything...good and bad. Infertility has taught me that is not always the case. Maybe I will see reasons for what has happened when I look back with more wisdom that age will bring but I am not sure what I have gained has been worth what I have lost. I mentioned before that I saw a spiritual councilor in South Africa and she said something that stuck with me....One can learn from sadness but joy can also bring as much learning if not more to a person.
I am trying to embrace the sadness that I am dealt with and pray that joy is just around the corner waiting to teach me.