Moving Mountains

Mountains have been moved to find my children.  From flip flopping on adoption to treatment to consideration of foster care and then back to adoption only once more deciding on treatment for now.  Each thought and each decision has hopefully brought me closer yet they seem so out of reach.  I am sure that my process towards them has brought me  closer yet honestly I have no idea when they will come.  It is left to some force beyond my desires and prayers and hopes.

Since the failure of my last cycle which was back in August I have purged my spirit and my surroundings.  Shifting the energy and physical things to make room...more room for the spirits that will be my children.  I have come a long way...yet I still do not know if it will be enough. 

I have sold a building, renovated another, continued working on the house that I live in so I can get it ready to sell, purged many physical items that hold the notion of the past, trucked off items for Goodwill, cleaned, and organized.  This all, you see, was a way of purifying not only my home but also making way for my spirit to grow into a different space.  Because, good-lord, I needed to shift my stagnation.

Spiritually I have dropped expectations of the outcome in life.  I have made room for new ideas, cried a river of tears, envied others, hoped and hoped some more this might happen, separated myself from my earthly desires and trying to meditate and center myself without hope, but mostly I just held my heart in my hand trying to massage it back to life.  I needed to wake up to take the next step.  Life cannot be lived asleep and my heart just wanted to sleep....I cannot say that I blame it because this struggle is so very, very hard.  So hard.  A deep ache that cannot seem to get any love or warmth...  just bits and scraps of food rationed out like a prisoner that keeps one just barely alive.

I wish to G-d that this was what I needed to do to make this happen.  Maybe it is....but maybe it is not.  That is where the mystery sits and waits for us in the dark always calling our name quietly..we keep searching for the other side but we never were meant to find it.  Only to search for the mystery because it really masquerades as tomorrow.

One of the biggest hurdles I realized was in front of me was that I felt like I did not have the right to pray to the G-ds  for a child.  I hoped but realized that I never asked directly.  When it hit me that I had not allowed myself to ask I know I needed to change this.  The day that I rolled this thought over and over in my head I had gone to the airport to pick David up.  I met a man ever so perfect for my path that day.  We stared out the window next to one another me waiting for David and he watching his son leave.  He inquired of the purpose of my visit to Cape Town and I told him.  Out of nowhere this soft spoken man raised his voice and looked straight into my eyes...."You MUST pray for this...You must ask for this to happen...without asking it may not work....Please pray about this Alexandra".  I like to think Spirit throws people in our path to make us listen and to hear a message because we as humans do not always here the subtleties of Spirit.  Returning to his gentle demeanor he said that he will keep us in his prayers.  This always touches me when random strangers hold you in their thoughts...in a way sending love.  Ok I got the message.

The following weeks I found myself praying to every G-d and G-dess who would listen.  I prayed to the fatherly G-d.  I prayed towards a feminine Spirit.  I dreamed of the Great Spirit.  I held meditations of prayer circles in my head. I prayed to the G-ds of the mountain that I could view from my room.  I cajoled the spirits of Africa.  I begged my children who I decided resided right above my mountain out my door to come on down...price is right style.    I think that I may have tried seducing Zeus thinking that sexual favors might win some God over.  Trollop, I know.  Desperate times call for                            desperate measures.

Still, though, it may not be enough.

I have had a constant dialogue with the children and G-d since they were put back in..almost a vigilant approach.  The last cycle as soon as egg met sperm I felt a love towards those embryos.  I wrote this:

The second thing to hit me that I never in a million years would have thought how much I feel protective and loving towards those cells in the petri dish.  They are my children.  They are the mixed DNA of the man that I love joining together with one another to make life.  I am shocked really at the miracle of this.  These cells may be the closest thing to ever having biological children.  I feel terrible for leaving them behind without me.  I know they are not supposed to be sentient beings at this point but I love the spirits who are possible attached to those cells.  In a way I can feel them hovering.  I stress them.  I feel this warm and yellow energy surrounding the cells...it feels like love. Pure and simple love.  I pray that those cells live today and that they were fertilized.

To read the whole post click here.

This time, however, my heart was so guarded and found myself feeling despondent the night after retrieval.  I cried to David that I did not feel anything towards my embryos cooking across town.  I fell asleep troubled.  Little did I know once I fell asleep my tree hugger of a husband prayed over me doing his energy work.  The next morning I felt different.  Not only was much of the pain from the retrieval gone but so was the heaviness in my heart.  I believed he helped.

As you all know who are following along I am helplessly in love with them now...singing to them and talking to them.  There is no going back now.  I will find out if it worked next Friday...Good Friday. 

I was born on Easter.  I put my embryos in on my birthday.  I am looking for signs of a hopeful outcome here...can you tell? Even now as I am typing this I am playing songs from my itunes list and guess what song just came on as I am typing...Out of Africa from Toto.  David said that he did not feel as positive last time nor did I.  This time doing his tai chi on me he said that he felt waves of energy and thinks it will work.  I do not know.  But, I too, have felt things I did not feel before.  Everything has flowed into this moment....us getting here, life, and other little messages.

Still these things do not make the beta next Friday positive.

I have started feeling panicky that they will not be here.  Last night I dreamed my dog was lost and ran screaming looking for her in a terrible panic.  I realized that dream is how I am feeling about these babies...I am terrified of losing them.  I have so many dreams for them...so much of life I want to share with them.  Surely most know that feeling when  a child is lost or a pet and the panic sets in.  Auto-pilot turns on and we search desperately until they are found.    Internally I want to scream their names to find them....but it still will not make them stay.

To get all hippy-dippy on you all I must talk about Africa.  Amazing.  It is all I can really say about it for fear of taking away from the power of the place and the people.  In magazines, television, people and events have strong cultural stories of healing, forgiving, learning, and living.  Powerful.  I have learned things about my own spirit from soaking in the strength of change and love this place exudes.

The other day I went to an intuitive spiritual councilor...I am not sure how else to explain her session.  Much ground was covered.  The biggest thing I pulled away from the session is that I have done what I can do.  My fears of this not working are normal.  Her exact words are that is is bullshit to think that we should all think positive and it will happen.  If we feel positive...fine.  If we feel negative...fine.  It is what it is.  So I am letting myself feel all that I feel.  I have done what I can.  Now I just hope and fret and beg.

Still with all the work I have done in the last few months and relaxing here will not make it work. 

I want this to work with all my now beating heart.  Still moving my life mountains will not make it happen. 

I had two perfect embryos.  Still this will not make it work.

My love for the children is so strong...still this will not make it happen.

I have gone through so much to get here...I am just not sure where here is...

My tomorrow is shrouded in clouds latent from my desired viewing.  My children may be hidden in those clouds but I do not know now. 

I will just be here twiddling my thumbs.

Comments

[PaintingChef]

Oh Alex! That was so beautiful. I am praying to everyone I can think of for you too. I want this for you so very badly my dear.

[fisher queen]

Oh I was crying during parts of this post. There is so much I relate to here. I think the spiritual counselor was right. All we can do is ask, and do everything we can to make it happen. I wish it meant it would for sure.

[Pamplemousse]

Alex, I am sitting here alongside you, twiddling too. Much love to you, sweetie.

[Erin]

I am praying along with you, Alex.

[OvaGirl]

A beautiful and thoughtful post. Hoping alongside you Alex. I too am a big believer in the signs and strangers words etc. But also, in the end I think we just offer our hopes and dreams up to the universe and wait to see. I agree that no matter if your attitude is positive or negative it will simply be as it is. Thinking of you.

[JennaM]

I'll be twiddling my thumbs right alongside you, A. I do not pray to g_ds, but I do believe in a kind of accidental grace, a mysterious grace, and the sublime. Your post is evidence of both, and so I will pray on it. You are a fertile, fertile woman. Wishing you all good things...

[thalia]

Alex no one could have done more to make things work, to help things to work. I love the ides of all the elements in the universe coming together at the right time for this to work. That is what I am hoping for.

[Lori]

What a beautifully written post. You've done everything you could and I will be hoping that it turns out well.

[Little Doula]

Alex, I loved your post! I can relate to having been there and how those little balls of energetic cells ARE YOUR BABIES. You can invision their little spirits and maybe even sometimes feeling those spirits within you. I know this, I have felt this, and then felt that loss that most people don't understand. Most women don't even know that they are pregnant at this point, but you do and ARE. Even if they haven't implanted yet they are still within you, looking for that cozy place in Mommy's garden to grow. Alex you and David are going to be wonderful parents. You are such a strong amazing woman and he one of the sweetest men to ever walk the face of this earth. You and I have talked about these two little spirits numerous times, and they are already here with us in this universe just waiting for the right time to make their grand enterance. Trust me if they are anything like their Mother the enterance will be GRAND.:) I love you so much and I am in tears writing this post. I want this so badly for you and I will keep praying that your little strawberries continue to grow and flourish in your garden. Just a final thought I think maybe we should change them from strawberries to Flowers. Think back to a conversation you and I had many months ago about a dream you had and it may come back to you. I love you! Lynn

[tee-tee]

Lovely...just a beautiful post. I had a conversation along this theme with a dear friend today. I'm keeping the faith that all signs are pointing to positive. +++

[Lucinda]

Beautiful post. Congrats on your Perfect Post Award!

[MommaK]

Amazing and beautiful.