The How To Guide On Operating Pregnant Neighbors

What infertile does not have the cliche "pregnant neighbor"?  We all have one on a good day but on a normal day it is plural as in many and for fun we can throw in a sister-in-law or two.  I always say to my friends or neighbors who worry that they might have a problem getting pregnant that I know for a fact they will not.  It is based on the law of the uber infertile.  Let me demonstrate with a little math:

This law supports, by scientific fact, that the more infertile one is the more fertile the surrounding women will become.  If X represents fertility then the infertile women is X times 0.  The immediate surrounding women then become X times ¥ which means i am screwed  which means in English fertility times infinity which means that I am totally screwed because it also means that the more persons of infinite fertility to achieve the goal of gestation means  X(Infinity)¹⁰>X(0).  What has not been worked out mathematically is the equation to illustrate how much infertility of the uber infertile decreases by each successful gestation around said infertile.

Now having said this I want to discuss my pregnant neighbor.  For nine months now I have thought long and hard how to handle it...the pregnant woman.  Quite frankly, it is a pain in my ass.  So for nine  long months I have gestated the idea of how to manage the pregnant neighbor. 

1. Hide the chocolate

2. Know where to find the chocolate...frequently visit.

3. Avoid looking at the obvious stomach pretend she has stomach of a Baywatch Bimbo.

4. Ignore Fertile Code Section 11-053 of avoiding going to baby showers and have a moment of crazy stupidity and plan her baby shower.*

5. Ask to borrow ovum/sperm/uterus of said neighbor.

6. Develop an allergy to airborne HCG.

7. Put them to work! 

Seven is my favorite rule to be perfectly honest.  Which is exactly what I did with mine.  Remember the post-IVF-failure-purchase-of-powerwasher?  Right.  Well I talked mine up so much that said pregnant neighbor got roped into powerwashing my deck and    fence!**  Score 1 for the infertile team!  Go infertiles!

Awwwww is that not great.  Look how handy she is.  You can have one too.  Just follow these easy steps.  Try for a long time to have a baby.  Then follow that up with expensive IVF treatment.  Now you too can have the obligatory fertile neighbor.  Now when I watched her doing working up a sweat I, the smug infertile, sat watching her in my chair.  I thought I was pretty swell for creating this little worker bee.  I assumed that due to her pregnant state she would be an exemplary worker.  Score for team Pregnant Fertiles!  Wrong I was.

I guess if you consider the word fuck wholesome then you would appreciate what this fertile powerwashed into my fence.  I, being of exemplary character, was rather shocked.  Shocked that I had not thought of being so crude. For all things good in this world my usage of crude 10 year old behavior and jokes has been tweaked into a fine oiled machine which is why I am so disappointed in myself.  She used up all the prime fence real estate for her pregnant humor.  I could not help but notice the phallus shape of the powerwasher tip, the huge preggo belly, and the word fuck.  I mean something was standing right out at me staring me in the face.  Then it hit me.

Sex+Phallus+Woman=Baby 

Infertiles....we have been doing it all wrong. 

Gonal+Needle+RE=Debt

Tune in next week when I teach you how to use your pregnant neigbor for changing the oil in your car and to weed your garden!

PS I think my neighbor deserves an applause for being a damn good sport...  :)

*Actually I am quite honored to welcome her new life into the world with a baby shower....at least the kid can eat my food in utero.

**She really did want to try it..I stress try it.  She actually only did a few boards.  I get to embellish because this is my blog.

Comments

[StellaNova]

I too have the requisite pregnant neighbour, with the due date likely to be my birthday next week! What a great birthday present. She is a fabulous, wonderful person, but already has one child and I think now she's just being greedy. And the worst bit is that she is sensitive and aware and subtle and NOT a princess, so I don't even get to hate her. I'll really have to get started on getting her to work tomorrow - time's a-running out ...

[Lynnette]

LMFAO. You are so funny!

[DD]

I noticed that they were having a sale on Pregnant Working Neighbor in the Target flyer, I just didn't know if they were worth it. Now I feel confident that my PWN will be just the ticket in helping us move. I think you should look into info-mercials and continueing marketing this untapped resource.

[Allie]

OMG! That might be the funniest thing I read all week! I know it's really NOT funny. Being infertile SUCKS BIG you-know-whats. But if we can't laugh at ourselves, we'd never get through. I definitely agree with your mathematical equation. You deserve an honorary doctorate for that one.

[fisher queen]

I loved that. She's extra pregnant isn't she? Good lord. You shouldn't be able to hold anything even vaguely phallic when you're that pg. It's not decent.

[jenn]

Jesus. That is the funniest f*&king thing I have read/seen in a long damn time. In fact, I think the last funniest f*&king thing was from your blog. Your blog is the only one that I force my husband to listen to as I read aloud. You are really able to capture such intense complexity of things when you combine words and images... it is crazy brilliant.

[chris]

You could write a book "101 Uses for a Pregnant Neighbor." I would like to add "Use pregnant neighbor to stop drafts from windows and doors during the winter months" if that's okay.

[StellaNova]

Damn ... I've missed the pregnant neighbour boat! She popped yesterday and is now selfishly hiding out in hospital.

[Beth]

I haven't laughed this hard in a very long time. What a great sport - I seem to have a collection of fertile neighbors - hmm, wonder if they'd like to play along?

[mm]

That awful sound you hear is me snorting with laughter!!

[patricia]

Your neighbor is definitely a gamer. I love this photo.

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