Well now that was just too long. Sorry. It has been one emotional week. Where shall I start?
Last week my documents got out of translation and are now in the family courts in Guatemala. What that means....G-d only knows. My INS approval has still not come. My fingerprints were taken about four weeks ago and the expected wait is about 6 to 8 weeks. Once I have that approval I can go and meet her! Breathing....breathing....oh my. Oh my oh my oh my :) The wait is about as fun as a stirrup ride at the good ol' RE's office. At least INS is a little more reliable than my follicles and I do not even need a estradiol blood draw.
So then pregnant neighbor goes into labor on Tuesday and I was asked to help out. So between our friend the nurse, the midwife, a doula, and me who used to be an apprenticing midwife there were many to cover the birth. It was long...... 36 hours. But it was so amazing....
I love homebirth for so many reasons. Now of course I have nothing against hospital births if that is what one so desires or needs. But, for those that are healthy and wanting of a homebirth it can be so magical. Her labor was mild until the evening of Wednesday night. Up to then people were in and out, my husband dropped off dinner, family was calling....it was pleasant and communal and I know she liked that very much because she felt this huge support network.
Once the sun went down things became more challenging as she became more tired. We took turns helping her into different positions, in and out of the birthing tub, wiping her brow, holding her up, and massaged her back. Finally the next morning the baby entered the world in the water and came up looking around ever so peacefully. Many tears of joy were cried. It was stunningly beautiful and powerful.
While I was helping I never thought about my issues because helping someone labor requires that you leave yourself at the door. Once everything was cleaned up, wrapped up, and settling down I did reflect.
My heart breaks that this may never be my experience. It is completely amazing for that child to enter the world in the threshold of life and death and heaven in between. Birth seems to be the time that all that has ever been and all the feelings of ones life pivots together for an uproar that speaks about life, love, and living.
What frustrates me the most is that everyone keeps saying I am not missing much these few months of Alejandra's life to minimize the pain for me or for them....I do not know. But I am. Every second after my friends child was born has been amazing and a blessing. Watching what the baby does and just staring at her is, oh goodness I will say this word again, amazing. I am missing so much of her preciousness. Time cannot be stopped and every second she is growing and passing up what she was and becoming what she is and I am not there. It cannot be helped because governments need to do their paperwork. Our hearts are on hold for paper.
Every precious minute is a wasting.
Sunday morning my husband went out on our balcony to water the plants and saw the father standing in the blooming garden of his holding his little girl. David said to go look in their yard. So I did. The father gazed with so much intensity at his daughter. Peacefully and serenely he watched her as the moments ticked by too fast for me. David was crying when I got back in and I of course knew why.
These moments we will not have. Yes, world we will have others but never these.
So I was going to mention the family picnic and the wedding I went to this weekend but I am tired from writing the above. So can I write it tomorrow? Pretty please?