CATCHING MY BREATH
As always my readers swoop in when I most need it. Thank you. Thank you. I appreciate you guys showing up in this ghostown with nothing to greet you but a shriveled old infertile woman whining about her town being gone. Broken record much? I mean how much can someone complain about the same thing over and over and over and.... You get the point. I am typically a positive woman with vivacious energy but these here years have got me down. If I were the drinking kind you would have found my new address was the saloon without a swinging door. But I am not. I am just the blogging kind not that you all would have known that due to my lack of existence and tumbleweed posts.
You know it was halfway uncomfortable to write what I wrote because most of the time things are so good here. Having a child and being infertile is so much better than not having a child and being infertile. I think the problem that came up last weekend and at other times is that so much happened in the past few years. Infertility, a serious illness that kept me from Scarlett, my dog Curry dieing who was my stand in for a child, and now money issues. It was once thing after another and no time to process each "bad thing". So all of the emotions had to get swept under the rug just to get through the next day because there was no time catch my breath. I was in a rush against time. A rush to get the family I wanted so badly and then once in the rush the need to keep the balls flying through the air up and up without falling. Whew!
So now I am thawing out. I do not want to miss one moment of my child's life. So sometimes I push those feelings of grief back under the rug until like last weekend I trip over that rug that should be flat but is now a mountain of unprocessed grief. But damn, what is a girl to do...do you know how hard it is to do housekeeping with a toddler. You should see my kitchen floor which does not even have a rug on it. Filthy. Much less cleaning underneath"those" rugs.
Right now (and I mean since the time I sat down to write this and hopefully the next 10 minutes) I am close to content and not feeling neurotic at all. Yay! (ok do not ask me how I was two hours ago :)
I guess the question that still lies around waiting to remind me that this hamster wheel that I have been on will need to be dusted off again for the next round of acquire-the-child game. First I need to get my ducks in a row, catch my breath, and make a move.
What will I do next you may ask? What is behind door number one? Why it is a cycle or two of monitored injectables. What is behind door number two? CCRM. Colorado. But with this option my time is a ticking because I want to do the shared risk program and I have to be younger than 35 to do it. I have three and a half years. Tick tock. But first, I need to get my finances in order. Sell another building. Then, hopefully, I will be able to afford more treatment.
oh yeah and vote too! (token insertion of obligatory political blog speak) Go Obama!
For now my heart cannot take another adoption. I would rather deal with one liner tests than deal with leaving a beloved child. Nope. Sorry can't do it right now.
Ok next post.,....pics I swear.