So I have been in blogging time out. Sitting in the corner for not posting. I am ok...no new drama...Thank god. I have been so busy working. This is a very good thing but I have not had the energy to blog.
I have been feeling a strong sense of nostalgia..something is missing. I know, the obvious, a child. Alex's cycle is messed up, yada yada yada, no baby. But it is something deeper....Je ne sais quois....(uh is that spelled write? It may be a part of the holidays, it could be less sun and the waning light, or it could be something from the past. It is elusive. I feel as if our lives have been on hold. In many ways but the one I will comment on is the child side of it.
My husband is an engineer. He was laid of (the typical engineer story) about 16 months ago. He specialty is asic design or chip design. In St Louis there are not many companies doing this. For the past year he branched off adn partnered (sort of) with another man handling warehouse software. The pay was half of what we were typically paid. And then that even stopped...we started relying on our float in our checking...now that is gone. The hope was that he would have made money on sales but that did not happen. Now he is looking for a job full time...with insurance...with regular pay....a normal j-o-b. Our real estate business is going very well but we do not take money out of that for our own needs. I am explaining all this because?.... Well a year and a half has now passed us by and we are not any closer to our goals.
We do not have a new house ..the house that we want to raise our children in. Nor do we have those children. We have not had the extra money to adopt, to do IVF, or anything else that would have brought us closer to a child. I read other's blogs and I see cycle after cycle of adoption and IVF etc. I feel as if I am being passed by pregnant families, cycling families, and by parents on planes heading to get their children. Now I am not comparing myself to everyone else and saying "They have that why don't I" but rather as a reminder that time is passing....
I am not getting any younger, my eggs are not getting younger, and my chances for a family get shorter everyday I am not working towards it. I have always been the go-getter type. Nothing got in my way. I started my own business at 18 and bought my first house when I was 19. Moved to a foreign country with only my dog and a dream when I was 21. I never listened to anyone else on what my path was....I was single, able, and willing to make my dreams exactley what I wanted them to be.
Now, I am a wife. I have a responsibility to my husband. There is a unit where there once was one. Life is more challenging under the unit but so much more fulfilling. Having a responsibility to someone other than myself gives my life meaning and purpose of a different nature. But, along with this responsibility, comes the realization that my Aries nature of plow everything under adn plant those seeds yesterday mentality does not always work. Slowing down, planning a field, choosing the seeds carefully, wisely preparing the ground and then, only then do the seeds get planted.
My husband, being a cancer, is slower. He is the one who wants to be careful of what seeds are chosen and how they are carefully placed into the manicured ground. There is a nice balance between us. However I have to slow down to create that balance which is against my ramming nature.
This may be where some of my nostalgia is surfacing. My childhood is coming up more and more because I am idle. Life seems to be passing me by. There is a house 
that I have been eyeing for two years now. I have had dreams about and a connection to it. Two years ago the couple who had lived there for 40 years decided to sell it. We had the capabilities to buy it then. It did not work out because the couple decided to hold onto it for a little longer. I have driven by this house a thousand times dreaming about what would be when the time was right. I found a sign in the front yard last week that it was for sale. I did a search on MLS and found that someone already has it under contract.
My planned out life is quickly passing me by and landing in the reality of someone elses dream. It was supposed to be my dream. I feel a sense of loss that I just cannot put my finger on. A mixture of emotions that only begin to express this heaviness are sadness, depression, loss, hope, wishing, dreaming, needing to retrace my steps, discombobulation, perplexed and twisted routes to where I thought I was and where I should be, greyness, and a general confusion.
I do not typically do the what-if game but did I miss a route somewhere and now I am paying the price? Is someones else moving into my house? Are my children growing in someone else's womb?
Feelings of just around the corner lye my dreams but maybe they were three exits back. For me to get things done and move my mountains in life I have to plunge in head first and just start going. My husband is slower. Once he is finally on board I have already lost my stamina and the excitment. Like adoption...I was ready two years ago. But he was not. He wanted to keep trying for biological children. Now my enthusiasm has waned slightly because I am past where he is today. Today he is at an international adoption seminar. I did not go.
I did not because a part of me wants him to be enthusiastic about adoption without me. I have been the pushing force for everything in our life whether it was our business, our marriage, our problems, and of course my desire for children came first. I am like the child who runs ahead and calls back to her slow-poke friends yelling "Come on...Hurry up...lets go play". Only I am an adult moving onto the next stage of life wanting so much for my husband to be holding my hand running next to me with excitement about what life has in store for us.
Instead I have run ahead and jumped into the pool and yelled back to him the water was great and jump in with me. He carefully tests the water and walks into the pool. We are both in the pool but my way was more fun. I wish that I could share with him the excitement of "jumping" in but of course he just defends him self and says that he is in the pool. I say "yes but you walked in so casually without any excitment". He says "I wanted to make sure the water was ok". I reply "SO what if it was not...if it had been to cold we could have jumped out screaming...and if it were perfect we could have flown through the air together laughing and giggling".
Neither one of us is wrong but for once I want him to speed up with me rather than me dragging him along. Everything else has always been me dragging him. I swore to myself that I would not do that with children. I would wait for him to catch up. But now he is so much in want of children and I resent him a little for taking so long. I do not want to resent my husband because he really is wonderful and sweet.
But I am scared I waited too long for him...like something passed us by while he slowly walked this way. So I will allow myself the what-if game for awhile because I have to get to the bottom of these emotions.
My house is sold to someone else. I hope now that there is a better house for us.
My fear is, with all these symbols of my dreams disappearing , that the thought that sometimes things are not able to be fixed in life is not coming true. Have we passed up our dreams because of fear and slowness? Did we tread water too long and the sharks ate off our legs? Or is something bigger than me, my dreams, and my hopes manifesting into something I never even dared to dream because we just followed the path that we were meant to follow?
There is a belief that we as humans go through spiritual cycles. One is a seven year cycle. I am at the end of my seven year cycle . I will start the next one on my birthday in five months. Maybe my spirit is purging the old making room for the new. Five months will be springtime...maybe, just maybe then my life will blossom....for now the leaves are yellow and falling off, cold air is starting to blow against my windows, and warm, wooly scarves are needed to keep me warm in these chilling times.
