So guess what? I did not leave this morning.
Last night we realized the plane was three hours earlier than thought. We are a hair neurotic when it comes to details of traveling so much to our surprise we made a mistake.
So, David, calling from the States, calls the adoption coordinator/facilitator/lawyer? I do not know exactly who she is. It was late around nine and explained our situation. She was out, it was loud, and thought it was her boyfriend .... humph. He apologized profusely and said that if she could not pick up Alejandra at that time, no problem, that I would just stay an extra day. She said, no, I do not want her to miss her flight and I just happen to have a baby carrier in my car. I will be there at six to pick the baby up.
I, wake early, take care of Alejandra, and am waiting in the dark for my cab and for S. Taxi arrives. No S. We wait for twenty minutes for S. No S. So the Taxi guy calls her on his cellphone. She tells me she is not coming. She cannot. Y, the foster mother, will be there in an hour. So I say ok so am I missing my flight? She says yes. Ok. Fine. Why could she not tell me this yesterday. At this point I am bawling because I know I have to leave Al. and I do not want to and the hotel owners....the nicest people in the whole wide world.....are up and helping deal with the situation.
I did not mention it before but I was not fond of Y the foster mother the first time I met her. Not that she was mean or bad just she seemed to not mind leaving Al with me. I would have liked a bit more attachment. Nor did she seem friendly to us. But it was a crazy moment.
Before Al was a story...a picture.... a possibility. But now, she is a soul...she is my daughter. Before my ambivalence to her care was a thought but now my heart is concerned of her care. Now my heart is a mothers heart.
In some ways I was glad that S did not come because I had one more hour with Al. But, I knew any minute Y would be at the gate ringing the bell. Each time it did my stomach knotted and I waited for the knock on the door.
Finally it came. Y was there for my girl. She was a bit nicer. Al at first cried but then smiled at her so at least Al was not too concerned about going. The first thing she said is where was the heavy blanket because it was mos frio...cold. It was not. Al was already sweating but I dug it out of the bag knowing her care was out of my neurotic desires and in a strangers hand. I just had to accept this. I gave money for the cab, tucked them into the car, kissed her goodbye. I watched as she pulled away without a carseat in the heavy blanket of her foster mother.
I retreated back to my room sobbing and gasping for a breath. I have not cried so much in so long. My hardened and bitter heart was starting to melt after all these years of protecting it in armor. Once again I opened it too much allowing love and warmth in.
What I have been meaning to write about was the meltdown on Sunday night that I had.
I was dreadfully ill waging a war with my intestines. David was leaving the next day and I was scared I would not be able to do it by myself because I was so sick.
I felt a general panic and despondency and knew I needed to get past an emotional wall. I started telling David that I was scared that she was not bonding to me, that she would not love me, and I was sad that she seemed so much attached to him and not me. I cried for an hour talking all the sadness of the years out to him. It was cleansing. So many fears, textbook fears, came out. I, who thought that I was on top of my emotions, could handle all of this. True, I could but not by avoiding the obvious pits of emotions that come with the territory.
I cried for what she was missing. I cried for what I was missing. I cried just to cry and release the stress that comes out when one cries.
It was so cleansing but the problem was that it did melt my cold infertile heart. I started loving her. Truth is, because I am always frank here, I was worried about my lack of emotion that I felt to her. I went through the motions....playing, cuddling, kissing, eating hands, and rocking but I felt little.
After the breakdown it opened the door. All of those fears, sad moments, struggles, and bitter feelings tangled a web around the door to my heart and family. I had to slash those heavy vines holding the door in place and find the right key. Pushing hard on that door with vines grasping at my legs tearing my arms and locking up my heart I pushed, weeded, and cut those thorny past to open my future.
But damn....just as my wounds stopped bleeding there were more vines.
My Al drove off with a kiss on her cheek.
I am left now with concern over who is managing the adoption. I am feeling in the dark. I worry about her responsibilities. If she can leave flesh and blood waiting then could she do the same to paper. Again, I have no control. Just wishes and prayers that everyone including governments will do what needs to be done.
Because there is a cute sweet girl with my last name under hot sweaty blankets....baking.