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September 27, 2008


Alex. (HUG) Firstly grief is grief. One cannot expect grief to just disappear into the ether because life is good now. I have Kiernen. He is the most amazing little guy - I love him with all of my soul and being. AND I still miss Quinn. I still grieve him - sometimes crying alone in bed at night after Kiernen has fallen asleep. I cannot imagine how much your heart was ripped out when you had to leave Scarlett, or even before you got to meet her but knew she was there. Either of those experiences is heartwrenching. Of COURSE there will be some PTSD about it on your part. Maybe on hers, too - we won't know for awhile now. You're not wrong to feel these feelings - go easy on yourself here. This is all a part of the grieving process. I'd like to talk to you personally about some other stuff. We'll be there in mid October but I'd rather not wait. Perhaps we can have some phone time or something soon.
Sent an email to your Yahoo account.
I wish I could say something to make it better, to make it easier. *Hugs*
Oh Alex, how I wish I could do something for you to make it better. All I can say is I get it. I've been where you are. Sometimes I'm still there. I just recently started talking about my infertility with my therapist. And I realized how encompassing it has been. I'm been working on a post on my blog about it, but it's so hard that it's taking me a while. It's impacted pretty much every part of my life. Even now that I have my family, and was fortunate that through embryo donation I was able to be pregnant, birth a baby, breast feed, etc. All those things that I desparately missed when we adopted our older son. Therapy is helping me with this. We do EMDR which has been pretty powerful working through the most painful parts of it. Antidepressants take the edge off too. If you ever want to talk with someone who "gets it," please drop me a line. I used to blog on Mommy Sparklykatt, and I know we emailed each other a few times when you were in the process of adopting. *hugs*
First, it is really good to hear from you and about you. Next, please don't feel like you're complaining. There are major losses associated with adoption and, even when you have the most wonderful and perfect daughter, you've had sacrifices that go along with bringing her to your family. They're not only financial. The emotional costs are so much bigger than any money could ever be, even when the rewards are so incredible. I can't imagine how painful it must have had to be to leave Scarlett and go home without her. You're entirely right that it's not Scarlett's role to fill those losses and crevices in your life. I don't even remember where I read it, but I did read that adoption is not a cure for infertility, it's a cure for childlessness. The pain and scars of infertility are still there, even when you have a child at home. Missing out on the experience of being pregnant, birthing, and breastfeeding a child is a big loss, especially given your trained profession. You've always expected to be able to do that. And to be faced with that loss is huge. Do you have a support system? Therapist, IRL adoption or infertility support group, etc? They can be incredibly helpful. I wish I could think of something more useful to say, other than that I am hearing your words and completely understand how you feel. And you don't have to justify them.
I wish I had to words that would make you feel better and lift your spirits.
I'm glad that other people have left lengthy and supportive comments. I have absolutely nothing constructive to add, only to say that I hope you find happiness soon. I'll keep you in my thoughts.
I'm sorry you're having such a hard time. It is great to hear from you though. Take care.
My friend, I am so, so sorry you are feeling so heart sore. You know, you don't have to tell us how grateful you are, or how much you love your daughter, that we know. If the trolls don't know that, fuck them. What the fuck do they know anyway. You sound depressed, clinically depressed. This might like stating the obvious, but I am stating it because I want you go get some help. Happy pills to help you over this bump in the road until you are ready and happy again. All the shit that you've been through has left you in this seratonin depleted, sad place. I don't think any 'normal' person would feel any differently to where you are now. It was a fucking terrible thing to go through, the way you feel is totally understandable. My kids are almost four and I am STILL in therapy about the infertility scars. On Saturday I bawled my eyes out for all the shit I went through. I felt so sad and so sorry for the me that went thorugh all that pain. You are perfectly entitled to feel as heart sore as you are. You dont have to explain or apologize to anyone!!! Love you lots, be kind to yourself and allow yourself to be sad for what you've been through. It is and was bloody unfair xxx
Always glad to get an update from you. And listen to Tertia - she is one smart cookie. This is horrible stuff and you have been through more than your fair share of it. Do try to be kind to yourself and do get some kind of help for this. Wishing you peace.
I agree with Tertia too. I think you should go talk with your doctor. Us long-term infertiles - I'm going on a decade as diagnosed, but we've been trying for 14 years - have a lot of baggage that causes depression. We managed to eek one baby out of IF treatments, but it still hurts. Please, please see your doctor and be kind to yourself. (((Hugs)))
Tina Fleetwood
Thank you for your honesty. I missed you terribly while you were gone. You are so insightful and an amazing writer. Use us - we don't mind.
Oh honey, big hugs. Yes, the first six months matter, whomever told you they didn't is full of shit. I can't imagine what it felt like to leave your baby girl. I'm so sorry "the bitch" is rearing her ugly head. It never goes away really. I can totally relate to what you are feeling. I'm sorry you are going through this right now, so sorry. Thinking of you Alex.
Sarah Abrahams
I am so sorry you are struggling so. I'm praying for you sending my best wishes.
Not On Fire
It is so hard for someone who has not been through infertility to understand what a loss it is. It took me a long time to get through it myself. You cannot punish yourself that you are sorry that it was not an easy journey. For me, it was accepting that it happened starting the healing, though I will never like that it happened. It is impossible for you to be wrong about what you feel. Give yourself time.
Rachel Mcdaniel
I have always enjoyed your blog. Your daughter is adorable. So sorry that you're having a hard time right now. Just know you are admired as the loving mother you are. I hope your financial difficulties will work themselves out so you can de-stress over this. Stress in one area tends to spill over into other areas. Your frustrations with infertility and the time you missed with your child are valid and I'm sorry. If the clouds don't lift soon, please do seek some professional help for your depression. Don't allow depression to steal all of the joy from the wonderful parts of your life.
I am just so sorry you are down - I miss hearing from you!!

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